Author: GunKnight

I must be out of my mind, 2 posts in a row? Without taking a month’s break in between them? Oh motivation fairy where have you been?

“Let your words flow” -Me, just now

There was a thing we did, in my sophomore English class. It was called a snapshot journal, and it was very similar to how I write my blogs. The way it worked was you would write for 10 minutes, and that was it, but you couldn’t stop. You weren’t allowed to put the pencil down and think, you had to just continuously write. I don’t know what happened to that journal, I don’t know where those entries are, but those entries are the most honest with myself I think I’ve ever been. I’m distracted, my thoughts are leading somewhere else, but I might circle back. I know this site is basic, and that’s not really a design choice, I just suck at programming and design, but I think that’s alright. I like the idea that this site is mine, and sometimes I can appreciate not having anything extra. I like to imagine it lets the writing speak for itself, which is probably not a great thing, considering the writing isn’t very good, but it’s something. Bah, fishing for compliments again, please ignore that. I suppose fishing for compliments isn’t entirely the correct statement, It’s the goal, but technically that is just self deprecating. People use self deprecation all the time, and it’s almost always fishing for compliments. Try it sometimes, wait for someone to make a self deprecating joke and then agree with the statement, it will clearly not be what they were trying to accomplish. Back to the snapshot journal. I think that’s what I’m trying to accomplish with this blog. I’m trying to gain that honesty with myself again, even if it’s hard. Because truly, just writing, not stopping, not really thinking about whats happening or reeling yourself back “on task” is how you can get your subconscious mind talking, and if you can talk to your subconscious- lost my train of thought. Something about being in tune with your subconscious mind and letting it guide you towards better decisions, I’m not sure. One other part of this is simply to try and let other people see into my thought process, because I don’t know how to describe it and people don’t know how to understand it.

Goodbye motivation fairy, I’ll see you in another 3 months.

-M

“I feel like the only person in the world” -Somebody somewhere

It’s very late right now, and I’m still awake. Everybody I know and care about is asleep, and I’m still awake. I’m not doing anything productive, I was lying in bed just watching YouTube before I decided to write this. I’m on discord, and seeing all the grayed out channels and dm’s really made me think about how lonely it can be sometimes. Its funny, really, because I’m still not really doing anything. I’m writing this, and I’m arguing with someone about balancing for a game I’m probably never gonna play again. I don’t know why this is important to me, I don’t know why I decided to write this, I don’t have any divine inspiration. I had the inkling of an idea, and I can’t seem to flesh it out, but I suppose that’s the same for all of my writing. I always do this, I always start things without knowing how to finish them. You know what real writers do? They make plans, they make outlines, they make sure they know where they’re going before they start writing, so they don’t end up on tangents, just like this. Back to my original point, I had an epiphany, earlier tonight. I realized that sometimes I really do feel like the only person alive, like everyone else is just, there. I know that’s stupid, everybody has their own lives, their own futures, their own pasts. It can just be hard to see at times. I wonder why I bother with this. Nobody is ever gonna read it, and as much as I tell myself I’m just doing it to get it down on paper, that’s not the truth. I write for other people to read, so they can take my half thought out brain vomit and turn it into something that actually makes sense, something that makes a decent story. There’s the other part of why I write these blogs, but I don’t really know what I’m expecting. I just think sometimes, that somehow, somebody is gonna stumble onto these, and have all the answers, someone who can just tell me exactly what’s wrong with me and how I can fix it. I needed to finish that sentence but it’s not really why. I write these so someone can see it and look at me and tell me it’s alright. That I’m not stupid, that I’m not alone. But it wont happen. Because if it did that would be lying. I just did it again there, did you notice? Wrote a sentence so someone will see it and be like “oh no, its not lying, you really are a cool guy.” I suppose I’ve gotten off topic here, but isn’t that what my writing is? A spew of words, all coming together. Not to form a cohesive thought but simply to confuse. I’m doing it again, writing for pity. I won’t let myself delete these because this is a genuine problem and I do think I should work on it. I leave it as a reminder. Bah, I have something to write about, but I’ll do it in the next entry.

-M

I’ve realized since nobody is on my website anyways, I can use this as a pseudo diary. This is my first post.

I’m scared of myself, and I’m scared for myself. This might seem like an oxymoron but I feel like I can’t trust myself anymore. I had an incident yesterday, and I don’t know why. I’ve never had something like it before but it was terrifying. I suppose I should say what it was, so here we go. I think I may have had a psychotic break. I don’t know exactly, I haven’t seen a therapist in a while and I’m no psychologist, but from what I can tell I think that might be it. I was at work, and it was slow. This is fine, it’s slow decently often. I got in an “argument” with two of my coworkers, lets call them Rhonda and Rebecca. I argue with them pretty often, we have personalities that clash, but we’re still friends, so that wasn’t anything. It started raining and I went outside and just stood in the rain. I don’t do this very often but it seemed like the right thing to do. Then the sink broke. The tubes that connect it to the drain got disconnected and I was spraying water all over the floor. I cleaned the water up, I went downstairs, and I cleaned up down there as well. Then I didn’t report the faucet. I always report breakages when they happen but I didn’t do it this time. I’m not sure why. I was going to get my tips and leave, but my tips weren’t ready. So I just left without counting tips. It was 20:30 at this point and I was still feeling alright. Then I got in my car.

I should mention at this point that I was listening to music. It wasn’t any new music, some of the oldest on my playlist in fact, but I was listening to music. It was Poor Man’s Poison, very good band, I quite recommend them if you haven’t heard of them before, but I digress. I got in my car and I started to pull out, but as I turned, I had something of a decision, and I peeled out much faster than usual. I started driving, but I didn’t start driving home, instead I turned left, and went straight. I was going too fast.

I’m sorry but I can’t finish this right now. I might be back to do it another time but I can’t keep writing right now.

-M

Right, M here, this is later, and I’m not going to finish this. I’m not sure how else to write about this and I don’t think I want to. I’m fine, I know this ended in a situation where it seemed like I might be in danger but I wasn’t. Sorry about the cliffhanger to all my “adoring fans.”