Blog 2

“I feel like the only person in the world” -Somebody somewhere

It’s very late right now, and I’m still awake. Everybody I know and care about is asleep, and I’m still awake. I’m not doing anything productive, I was lying in bed just watching YouTube before I decided to write this. I’m on discord, and seeing all the grayed out channels and dm’s really made me think about how lonely it can be sometimes. Its funny, really, because I’m still not really doing anything. I’m writing this, and I’m arguing with someone about balancing for a game I’m probably never gonna play again. I don’t know why this is important to me, I don’t know why I decided to write this, I don’t have any divine inspiration. I had the inkling of an idea, and I can’t seem to flesh it out, but I suppose that’s the same for all of my writing. I always do this, I always start things without knowing how to finish them. You know what real writers do? They make plans, they make outlines, they make sure they know where they’re going before they start writing, so they don’t end up on tangents, just like this. Back to my original point, I had an epiphany, earlier tonight. I realized that sometimes I really do feel like the only person alive, like everyone else is just, there. I know that’s stupid, everybody has their own lives, their own futures, their own pasts. It can just be hard to see at times. I wonder why I bother with this. Nobody is ever gonna read it, and as much as I tell myself I’m just doing it to get it down on paper, that’s not the truth. I write for other people to read, so they can take my half thought out brain vomit and turn it into something that actually makes sense, something that makes a decent story. There’s the other part of why I write these blogs, but I don’t really know what I’m expecting. I just think sometimes, that somehow, somebody is gonna stumble onto these, and have all the answers, someone who can just tell me exactly what’s wrong with me and how I can fix it. I needed to finish that sentence but it’s not really why. I write these so someone can see it and look at me and tell me it’s alright. That I’m not stupid, that I’m not alone. But it wont happen. Because if it did that would be lying. I just did it again there, did you notice? Wrote a sentence so someone will see it and be like “oh no, its not lying, you really are a cool guy.” I suppose I’ve gotten off topic here, but isn’t that what my writing is? A spew of words, all coming together. Not to form a cohesive thought but simply to confuse. I’m doing it again, writing for pity. I won’t let myself delete these because this is a genuine problem and I do think I should work on it. I leave it as a reminder. Bah, I have something to write about, but I’ll do it in the next entry.

-M